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Archive for February, 2009

If I had a paper, this is what I would call it:

STFU Journalism
Journalism by the People, For the People

Yeah, I am pretty sure that the name alone would sell the paper. Anyone could contribute. People would read the articles and think, “STFU!” but they’d keep reading anyways. Funny how that works. I wouldn’t need to edit. I could let anyone post. Idiots would rat themselves out by their words, lack of grammar, lack of purpose. Kind of like this post…lack of purpose. Think about it, though. STFU Journalism. How awesome is that title? Also, old people wouldn’t know what STFU means, so they wouldn’t be offended. Can’t you just see 89 year old Mrs. Harrison reading the articles to Mr. Harrison?

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life

rain

snow

muddy paw prints

laughter

sunshine

inner tubing down a hill

or a river

it makes no difference

puppy and kitty kisses

little boy smiles

the soft bloom of a rose

or a daffodil – 

the flower that holds the sunshine

freshly mopped floors

more laughter

giggles

skiing fast down the mountain

speeding down a road

hair blowing in the wind

knowing i make a difference 

hearing thank you

seeing a face light up at my presence

children’s drawings

hope

faith

and of course love

fireplaces

warm blankets

a good book

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When I asked her if she is upset with her father, she said, “No. This is exactly what I expect of him.”

Not even a goodbye?

*sigh*

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He doesn’t think he’s a dead beat dad, she does. I wonder what he sees of himself. He has never managed to make time for her. She will be 15 in a few short weeks. He typically sees her between 2 and 4 times a year for one night at a time. He almost always has someone else with him. He seldom manages to find alone time for her, and when he does, according to her, he spends the time on the internet or his Wii. They don’t talk and when they do, she leaves the conversation defeated and realizing how little about her he knows. Add to that the fact that he does not take the time to listen so he will never really know her. She has asked him several times in the past to stay at his house longer and spend more time with him. He always tells her no and gives her some lame excuse. 

He has been serving time in Iraq since August. We knew that he would be coming home for a visit, but did not know when. We had told him several times that she will have ski competitions and won’t be able to spend much time with him if he comes on a weekend. This didn’t seem to matter. Apparently, he came back home last Tuesday. He will be in town until March 4th. On Friday, he and his girlfriend drove into town supposedly to watch our daughter’s ski competition. Although the drive is less than 4 hours, he did not arrive until around 7:30. We all met for pizza. When asked where he was staying, he was evasive and would not tell us. We knew that he was staying in a local tourist town and can only summate that they spent the weekend in an elite hotel (he never did tell us where he was staying). 

Saturday morning, daughter needed to be at the mountain at 8:00 for her competition. Sometime around 9:30, he and girlfriend showed up and began sending text messages for daughter to meet them in the lodge. Let’s review the fact that she is on a ski team and in a competition. Did he really think that she was going to be able to suddenly run to the lodge? Furthermore, did he really think that she was on the mountain skiing and checking her text messages? This is nuts to me. They finally did meet up and ate some lunch together. He and girlfriend ended up leaving just after they ate at about 11:30, before the real competition began. 

That evening, he text messaged her around 6:30 asking how her day was. The conversation was brief and ended abruptly as they usually do. That was the last that she heard of him. She never saw him again on Saturday and there was never an effort by him to try to meet up with her. They were to leave town at 7 this morning so that his girlfriend could be back to work tomorrow.

So, this weekend that he supposedly set aside for his daughter, he spent about an hour with her at dinner with all of us on Friday night, maybe 30 minutes with her at the ski lodge on Saturday, and that was it. He had been asked to stay during the week so she could skip a school day or two and spend some time with her. His response was simply that he was too busy. 

This is characteristic of him and what I expect of him. It hurts that this is all that his daughter can expect of him and that he keeps widening the gap. It won’t be much longer and she won’t have anything to do with him. She doesn’t like to talk to him now because he tries to parent her on things like sex and drugs, yet he isn’t even involved in her life enough to know how these issues effect her or how much to say. He puts her into categories based on quick judgments. He has accused her of being into witch craft based on a star necklace from a gumball machine that she wore. He was insistent that it was a pentagram. It was not. The list is long and I can do is sigh. 

Any words of wisdom? Dads, what do you say?

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It is not his bed, it is mine. It is meant for me and me alone, yet night after night he crawls in with me. I hear his soft breathing in my ear, the heat of his body against mine. He gently strokes my hair and proclaims his love for me. I reach out, my hand caressing his cheek. I replace my hand with my lips. I had only intended to give him one kiss, but my mouth has become engulfed with the subtlety of his cheek and one kiss is no longer adequate. 

My heart overfills with the love that we share. The little irritants are erased and our love is rekindled. I know that he loves me and appreciates me. I no longer recall the name calling and defiance, the sibling rivalry. This is my son. The child that was formed within me. The child that I have loved since before birth. He is miraculously mine, born of me and yet completely separate. 

I enfold him in my arms. I listen as his heart slows, his breathing becomes deeper. Soon, I know he is asleep. I let him be with me for another hour or so, just long enough to know that moving him will not re-awaken him. I will lead him to his bed, tuck him and return to mine knowing that my son loves me and knowing the secret that he is not capable of loving me nearly as much as I love him.

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My ex came into town last night. I gave him a welcoming hug and a kiss on the neck. There was absolutely nothing there. No feelings, no chemistry, no butterflies, nothing. It’s nice to know that even in my dreams, I am completely over my ex. 

That was my dream, however, the reality is that he is coming into town tomorrow. He is coming with his girlfriend to “watch” our 15 year old daughter in a ski competition. He will blow into town sometime Friday, stay in a hotel some thirty minutes or so away, get up Saturday morning and spend the day sitting in the lodge with his girlfriend, not being able to see anything of the competition, go back to his hotel Saturday night, get up around 7 Sunday morning, and drive back home. He informed our daughter that he wants her to stay with him in the hotel Friday night. She is stressed out and in tears about this. 

We separated when she was 8 months old, over 14 years ago. He disappeared from her life for several years. Around kindergarten age, he started making an appearance although his time with her has always been irregular. He has never been one to actually make time for her, instead, he squeezes her in when and if he finds the time. This usually equates to between 2 and 4 overnight stays a year. Yes, that would be 2 to 4 one night stays per YEAR. Really, it is a lame relationship and not a fatherly relationship at all, although he is the only father that she has. 

So, he has not made any contact with me and I have not known what is going on with this whole weekend visit thing, neither has my daughter. Tonight, he called to tell her that he will see her sometime tomorrow and she will stay the night with him and his girlfriend, and they will all go up to the mountain together on Saturday. 

First of all, it is completely awkward for our daughter to have to share a hotel room with her father, let alone his girlfriend. They do not have that kind of relationship. Secondly, she will have been competing all day on Friday. On days that she competes, she comes home around 7 and goes straight to bed, so she will be exhausted tomorrow night and not up to company. Third, she does not want to sleep in a strange bed the night before a competition. She wants to be well rested (wise girl!). Since she can not talk to him (he does not listen), I will end up being the bad guy and telling him no. I have told him before that she wants alone time with just him, not with the girlfriend. He doesn’t heed this advice. Now he is going to blow into town for two nights, see her for a day, and leave again. I do not understand his planning. Although he is supposedly coming into town for our daughter, this appears to be a weekend away with his girlfriend instead. This is so frustrating to me. He is on a two week vacation and this is the time that he has managed to set aside for his daughter. I simply do not get it.

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Baby.
Drool.
Power outlet.

I sat in the “family meeting” watching Baby play on the hard tile floor. He was as cute as could be,  entertained with the metal flap that covered the power outlet.

*clank*
*clank*

He’d pull it up and let it flop down, a string of drool hanging from his chin forever reaching into the depths of the outlet. Electricity like an eel snakes forth, lunging at the drool. Cute, innocent Baby is lifted into the air, precariously balanced on the ominous procession of spittle. Blond tufts making a standoff appearance. 

The room falls silent as Mom screams, the rest of us staring in wonder. Soon, the eel grows tired and relinquishes its hold. Baby plops to the floor where he continues to play. 

*clank*
*clank*

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