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Archive for April, 2009

Porn

“Mom, if you want people to visit your blog, just start marking it porn. Mark everything porn whether it has anything to do with it or not.”
~Random advice from a 15 year old 

She must not think anyone would want to read my bloggy talent. lol

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Tonight is a night for pain pills…which ones shall I take? Hmmm…

I haven’t had to take my pain meds in awhile. Wish I was done with them. I wish so many things. Sometimes it’s defeating, but mostly, I have to look at the incredible progress that has been made. I just wish that were enough…

I want my life back.

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The Dating World

As many people know, dating in your mid to late 30s on up is a whole different ball game. Add in there divorce and children, and the dynamics change that much more. In my dating escapades, I tend to meet men who are looking to get married and they want children. Their reasoning for the children is usually one of two: either they screwed it up so badly the first time that they want to see what it’s like to be an involved father or; they have never had children and they want to. 

My dating philosophy is nothing like this. I have a 15 year old and an 8 year old. I am done having children. I first married at 18 years old and as such, I have never had any “me” time. I am looking forward to the time when my children are raised and I can enjoy life for myself. Selfish, but true. 

Secondly, I am not looking to get married. Ultimately, it would probably be nice, but it isn’t what I am looking for. I simply want a relationship. I want to find a man that I enjoy being with, we are in a monogamous relationship, but he has his life and I have mine. When things line up, we are together, but when they don’t, we are fine with that, too. He has his home, I have mine. Surprisingly, this has proven very difficult to find. 

One such relationship ended about two years ago and not on very good terms. Although we had only been dating for a few months, he was looking to get married yet couldn’t admit it. He was hinting at having me clean his house and was trying to come over to my home on a daily basis for me to cook for him. This was not and is not what I want. I already have children, I am not looking to take care of anyone else. It needs to be a two way street. Anyway, that finally put an end to the relationship and it ended pretty sourly. It wasn’t ugly and we didn’t fight, but he definitely knew where I stood. 

Within a few weeks, he was proclaiming that he had “met the love of (his) life” and that they were “planning (their) lives together”. Yay. More power to them and proof that I was right. Anyway, as things would have it, he is now doing business with a colleague. My paths don’t cross with this person often and I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t even know her name and furthermore, I don’t remember his last name. Yet, upon discovering that we work together, he asked her to tell me hi. I am so puzzled by this. Truth be told, if the tables were turned, I would have never brought him up to her. 

From the sounds of it, not only did he marry the “love of his life,” he has also divorced her. Within two years of dating me, breaking up, finding the love of his life, and marrying her, he has also managed to divorce her. “Wow” is the only word that manages to escape me. How do I manage to find these men?

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dutch-bros-pic

I stopped by the local Dutch Bros to pick up an Iced Milky Way. Soon, I fell into an easy conversation with the guy working the counter. He asked if I had any fun plans for the weekend and then explained that, as punishment for partying, he would be spending Saturday cleaning his girlfriend’s garage, although, it “was worth it.” I learned that he is a student at the local community college and although he doesn’t quite know what he wants to do, he is leaning towards psychology which is what really got our conversation flowing. I mentioned that one of the biggest injustices of our schools is that we no longer have counselors and the conversation went on and on from there. It was an excellent conversation. He was very knowledgeable about the school system and today’s children. I think it was the best conversation that I have had in weeks and bits of it continue to replay through my mind. 

The greatest impact that the whole conversation had on me? The fact that he “started school in 1992.” That means that I am nearly old enough to be his mother. How did this happen??? I know that I am older than these young coffee bistros, but come on, old enough to be their mother??? Somehow, the fact that I have a 15 year old daughter, the fact that I have lived life, the fact that I have continued to age has escaped me. In my mind, I’m still 30. I am an adult, but I am not an aging adult which leaves me to wonder, just how old do these young adults think I am? Am I simply another adult face in the crowd that judges teens with contempt? Am I someone’s mother? Just another customer? Have I, in my years of living, lost my identity and simply become just another face in the crowd?

The irony is, that in the last ten years, I have truly began to live my life and discover who I am. Is it possible that as I have blossomed, I have also, somehow, become just another face in the crowd?

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campfireA typical day at work includes putting out several fires. I work with fifth graders. If you have worked with, or been the parent of a fifth grader, you know exactly what I am talking about. Hormones are raging, tempers are flaring, emotions are soaring. We tend to relate these things to the girls, but the truth is that boys are equally “terrible” in their own way. 

This year, my classroom has consisted of 33 students. I have 14 girls and 19 boys. It’s been an adventurous year!! In addition to the classroom, I have also been attending school full time to complete my master’s degree (I’m done!), am on various “teams” and committees, and am the Administrative Assistant. Administrative Assistant is the fancy way of saying, “We don’t have enough money in our budget to hire an assistant principal although we recognize that we need one. Instead, we will pay a teacher a small stipend to take on the roll of ‘administrative assistant’.” Of course, they are always able to find someone willing. 

This week, I have taken off my teacher hat and stepped completely into the principal role due to an illness. Whenever you cover for someone else, you find yourself in a position of knowing minimal history and trying to base decisions on what you know. For example, has this student been in a fight before or is this the first time? Is this a trustworthy student/parent or should I listen with caution? 

dinosaur_asteroid_5This is not the first time that I have stepped into the role, but this is perhaps the most difficult time. It is nearing the end of the year, the weather is in the 90s and beautiful, kids are tired of each other, tired of the system, and ready to move on to the next year. This week, instead of  in addition to the normal fires that I put out, I am finding myself battling forrest fires. I am trying to tame fires without knowing exactly how or where they began, a very difficult task.

Tonight, as I was unwinding, I found myself wondering if I had committed to attend any games this weekend and realized that I was smiling. You see, whenever a student invites me to attend one of his/her games, I makes sure that I attend at least one a season. The truth is that I am lousy at watching. I usually get caught up in talking and when a shot is made or the ball is hit, I find myself scrambling to catch up to what just happened. I’m good with paying attention during action packed games, but the reality is that my students are still learning basic skills. Few of their games are action packed. 

Years down the road, when my students look back to the fifth grade, I hope that they will remember me in a positive manner. I am willing to bet that the “athletes” will not remember that I taught them math, science or writing, they will remember that on Saturday, I came and watched their game. They will remember that;

A champion team from Garner, NC.

A champion team from Garner, NC.

“My teacher saw me make my first touch down!”

“You saw me pitch for the first time!”

“Did you see that triple home runner that I hit?!?!?!”

They will remember that I sat in the bleachers and cheered them on and we talked about it for the rest of their time at the school. They will know that I care, not because I have to, but because I really do. They will know simply because, “You really came to my game!”

This simple thing is what makes all of the fires worth it. 

 

 


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This one is for mynooch
(Look! You have your own post dedicated JUST to YOU!! Now you owe me!) 

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“I’d like a Beefy Score. Actually, I’d like a Big n Tasty Beefy Score.”

“Huh?”

Me, pointing to the window, “A Beefy Score…”

Her, not cracking a smile (what’s wrong with these people?!?!)…

Me, “I’m just kidding. Seriously, though, you’re marketing team needs to be fired. First the Big N Tasty and now a Beefy Score?”

She just didn’t get it. After she walked away, I asked my daughter why the girl didn’t laugh.  

“Because only you are that retarded.”

Yeah, well, if it had been one of those young worker BOYS at the register with this old lady asking, HE would have laughed! 

 

Sorry for the reflections...

Sorry for the reflections...

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