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Archive for March, 2012

Hobbies

My boyfriend was talking about his hobbies the other day. I stated that I need to find some hobbies. He responded, “You have me.” Then he quickly backtracked.

However, I had to agree. “I do like to play with you.”

He grinned. Big. You know, one of those cute little boy grins on an adult man. The kind that just melt you.

Yeah, he’s a keeper.

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I decided to start writing again so that I can write about my healing, but I’m not really sure that I want to expose myself that much, so now I’m undecided. However, I do think that my story might be able to help someone out there and for this reason, I write. 

I was in a horribly abusive marriage. I got out quick, but the aftermath still continues to haunt me 12 years later. I thought I was pretty much healed and am proud of how I managed to pick up the pieces and come out shining, but then, it happened. I fell in love. Through love, I’ve discovered ghosts and demons that I didn’t realize still needed to be dealt with. The memories, the pain, none of that is new. I remember it. I still flashback to certain instances and my body has it’s reactions to it – I tense up. I feel the blood rushing. I become short of breath. I want to cry. I want to scream. I try to breathe deeply and remind myself that what I’m feeling is in the past. I’m safe now. I don’t have to be afraid. I’m not living that moment or reliving it. I can let it go. 

I had a fight with my boyfriend the other day. As he sat there looking at me and wondering what the hell was going on, I began to realize that what I was feeling was completely irrational and that’s where I’m at today. Long story short, without saying anything, he headed off in a direction assuming that I was right behind him. Well I’ll be damned if I’m just going to blindly follow a man, and so I stayed where I was at and continued to watch him go. Our fight was something to the effect of “I’m not going to follow you just because I’m the woman and you’re the man!!! My days of doing whatever a man tells me to do are over!!!” There was yelling. Lots of it. Probably cussing, too, because I cuss a lot when I’m mad. He was tired, so he fought back. Normally he doesn’t which makes me mad. Do you see how this is unfolding?  If he fights back, we have a nice fight. If he doesn’t fight, we have a fight because I’m pissed that he’s indifferent. 

I suppose the good thing is that even while I’m yelling and being irrational, I can still hear him and process what he’s saying and I processed it, had what I like to call an “Oh Shit! Moment” and realized that I was completely off base. Of course, I didn’t stop being pissed or yelling, but I knew I was wrong. Nice. 

It took me a good 24 hours to process all that had transpired. My poor man works on the basis that once it’s over, it’s over. Not me. I process. Then, I process some more and even more until I understand. I’ve tried the letting go, but that doesn’t work and now I’m realizing why. If I want to fix the broken me, letting go isn’t going to fix it. I must analyze it. So, this was my revolution. When I fight, I go into fight or flight mode. For the most part, my “flight mode” is gone these days and it becomes sheer fight mode. 

I told my counselor about this revolution and she jumped all over it. “Yes! You go into fuck you! Fuck this! Fuck everyone and everything!” Oh yes, she nailed that. I am woman. I don’t need you or anyone, I can do it all on my own. Get out of my way.  

So my job, as she so eloquently put it, is to teach the Warrior Me that she is no longer needed. I’m so afraid to let her go. 

This post is similar to the one that I posted last night. I apologize for that and will try not to duplicate in the future. However, I felt the background of the Warrior was important to share. If you have a Warrior in you, I hope she fights long and hard until you are safe, and then I hope she steps aside and lets the real you live a safe, peaceful life. 

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And so life goes on…

January 2, 2010. That’s the date of my last blog. I haven’t read it. The title is trust, but I don’t know what it’s really about. Maybe I’ll scroll through the pages and see what was up over two years ago…or maybe I won’t. 

I hate journalling. I don’t even know why I started a blog back then. I’m guessing it was because my friend who is passionate about writing convinced me that it was a good idea. I used to love to write, so I probably jumped on board with the idea, but then I became bored and probably didn’t have any followers, so I just stopped.

However, today, I’m back. Bet you didn’t even notice! 😉  Oh well. First of all, this is about me, so I may or may not worry about my formatting. I’ll try to be grammatically correct, but I may not care at times. Spelling, I’ll tend to do my best at just because that’s how I am.

So why am I here?  I’m here because I need to heal. I need to close all of the doors to my past that have creeped back open. I need to move on. I need to accept my new life with open arms. I need to love my man truly and freely without pretense. I need to not lose track of reality. 

I recently came to realize that I am in a constant fight or flight mode. I’ve been seeing a counselor today and I told her that. She instantly took it and ran with it…and nailed everything I’ve been thinking/feeling to a T. When I go into fight mode, I’m completely irrational and it’s “fuck you” to everyone and everything. I don’t need you in my life. I can do it on my own. I’m strong, I’m independent, so fuck off. 

So now I have to come off that fuck you/fuck off fight mode and start learning to stop it before it starts. It takes hours if not days for me to come down from that, so why do I feel the need to go there? I know why. I understand it more than I even want to. However, I don’t need to fight like that. Not anymore. I’m safe. I’m safe in love. I’m safe in life. I need to trust my guy to keep me safe. For the first time ever, I have a man that wants to keep me safe and I’m afraid to let him. I desperately want him to, but I’m so terrified to relax and just be me. 

This blog, at least for the next few writings, is about letting the Warrior Princess go. I don’t need a warrior in my life anymore.

I

AM

SAFE.

 Image

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