January 2, 2010. That’s the date of my last blog. I haven’t read it. The title is trust, but I don’t know what it’s really about. Maybe I’ll scroll through the pages and see what was up over two years ago…or maybe I won’t.
I hate journalling. I don’t even know why I started a blog back then. I’m guessing it was because my friend who is passionate about writing convinced me that it was a good idea. I used to love to write, so I probably jumped on board with the idea, but then I became bored and probably didn’t have any followers, so I just stopped.
However, today, I’m back. Bet you didn’t even notice! 😉 Oh well. First of all, this is about me, so I may or may not worry about my formatting. I’ll try to be grammatically correct, but I may not care at times. Spelling, I’ll tend to do my best at just because that’s how I am.
So why am I here? I’m here because I need to heal. I need to close all of the doors to my past that have creeped back open. I need to move on. I need to accept my new life with open arms. I need to love my man truly and freely without pretense. I need to not lose track of reality.
I recently came to realize that I am in a constant fight or flight mode. I’ve been seeing a counselor today and I told her that. She instantly took it and ran with it…and nailed everything I’ve been thinking/feeling to a T. When I go into fight mode, I’m completely irrational and it’s “fuck you” to everyone and everything. I don’t need you in my life. I can do it on my own. I’m strong, I’m independent, so fuck off.
So now I have to come off that fuck you/fuck off fight mode and start learning to stop it before it starts. It takes hours if not days for me to come down from that, so why do I feel the need to go there? I know why. I understand it more than I even want to. However, I don’t need to fight like that. Not anymore. I’m safe. I’m safe in love. I’m safe in life. I need to trust my guy to keep me safe. For the first time ever, I have a man that wants to keep me safe and I’m afraid to let him. I desperately want him to, but I’m so terrified to relax and just be me.
This blog, at least for the next few writings, is about letting the Warrior Princess go. I don’t need a warrior in my life anymore.