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Posts Tagged ‘domestic violence’

I decided to start writing again so that I can write about my healing, but I’m not really sure that I want to expose myself that much, so now I’m undecided. However, I do think that my story might be able to help someone out there and for this reason, I write. 

I was in a horribly abusive marriage. I got out quick, but the aftermath still continues to haunt me 12 years later. I thought I was pretty much healed and am proud of how I managed to pick up the pieces and come out shining, but then, it happened. I fell in love. Through love, I’ve discovered ghosts and demons that I didn’t realize still needed to be dealt with. The memories, the pain, none of that is new. I remember it. I still flashback to certain instances and my body has it’s reactions to it – I tense up. I feel the blood rushing. I become short of breath. I want to cry. I want to scream. I try to breathe deeply and remind myself that what I’m feeling is in the past. I’m safe now. I don’t have to be afraid. I’m not living that moment or reliving it. I can let it go. 

I had a fight with my boyfriend the other day. As he sat there looking at me and wondering what the hell was going on, I began to realize that what I was feeling was completely irrational and that’s where I’m at today. Long story short, without saying anything, he headed off in a direction assuming that I was right behind him. Well I’ll be damned if I’m just going to blindly follow a man, and so I stayed where I was at and continued to watch him go. Our fight was something to the effect of “I’m not going to follow you just because I’m the woman and you’re the man!!! My days of doing whatever a man tells me to do are over!!!” There was yelling. Lots of it. Probably cussing, too, because I cuss a lot when I’m mad. He was tired, so he fought back. Normally he doesn’t which makes me mad. Do you see how this is unfolding?  If he fights back, we have a nice fight. If he doesn’t fight, we have a fight because I’m pissed that he’s indifferent. 

I suppose the good thing is that even while I’m yelling and being irrational, I can still hear him and process what he’s saying and I processed it, had what I like to call an “Oh Shit! Moment” and realized that I was completely off base. Of course, I didn’t stop being pissed or yelling, but I knew I was wrong. Nice. 

It took me a good 24 hours to process all that had transpired. My poor man works on the basis that once it’s over, it’s over. Not me. I process. Then, I process some more and even more until I understand. I’ve tried the letting go, but that doesn’t work and now I’m realizing why. If I want to fix the broken me, letting go isn’t going to fix it. I must analyze it. So, this was my revolution. When I fight, I go into fight or flight mode. For the most part, my “flight mode” is gone these days and it becomes sheer fight mode. 

I told my counselor about this revolution and she jumped all over it. “Yes! You go into fuck you! Fuck this! Fuck everyone and everything!” Oh yes, she nailed that. I am woman. I don’t need you or anyone, I can do it all on my own. Get out of my way.  

So my job, as she so eloquently put it, is to teach the Warrior Me that she is no longer needed. I’m so afraid to let her go. 

This post is similar to the one that I posted last night. I apologize for that and will try not to duplicate in the future. However, I felt the background of the Warrior was important to share. If you have a Warrior in you, I hope she fights long and hard until you are safe, and then I hope she steps aside and lets the real you live a safe, peaceful life. 

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I grabbed my phone to check for messages. There was a text message waiting for me from someone that I seldom hear from. 

“J’s having a girl.”

First reaction: “Oh. I didn’t even know that she’s pregnant.” 

Almost immediately afterwards, “What the hell is she doing pregnant!?!?! She is a case for sterilization!” 

Let’s look at the facts. She’s maybe 24. Had her first some some 10 years ago. Yeah, that’s right. Do the math. He was put in custody once it was established that she was an unfit mother. If she agreed to get her GED (she had dropped out of school), go through rehab (uh huh), establish routine visitations, etc. etc., she could earn her right to motherhood back. This lasted for several years before the courts finally decided enough was enough and her son was adopted by the foster family that was caring for him. 

A few years later, she meets a new “man.” They are both in and out of prison for domestic violence which includes acts of attempted homicide against each other. Neither have a GED or any other kind of education. They can’t hold down jobs. They are obviously a mess, yet she gets pregnant. She has baby number two for less than two years before she loses him (seriously, why was she able to keep him so long??)

Now, she’s pregnant again. How am I supposed to respond to this text? I sure as heck am not happy about it. I’m appalled and I WILL NOT pretend to be excited. She is not capable of being a loving mother. She simply can not be. She has a long list of short term imprisonment, has lost custody to her two previous children, etc., etc. 

I contacted someone that works with CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate – it’s nice to have some connections) and asked HOW it is that these people can keep having children. WHY is it that each child is looked at separately?  This simply isn’t right. I’m all about being given a chance to prove yourself, but when you can’t prove yourself and you refuse to take the necessary steps to raise your child, you do not deserve any more chances until you are will to jump through those hoops. I would do anything to prove myself a fit mother. Anything. She was not willing to take basic steps and yet she is given a second chance. My CASA connection informed me that if someone contacts Children Services, they do have reasonable cause now and will confiscate the baby upon birth. Please let me find out when the baby is due and where she’ll be having that child! That child does not deserve to be put through what she will put it through before it is placed into custody.

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