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Posts Tagged ‘humour’

The over-sized black dog is curled up in the corner, gently snoring on her fluffy, white bed while a black calico cat rests on the tattered quilt at the feet of the woman of the house. The gentle squeak of a computer chair is heard from the living room, the tap, tap of the ever busy keyboard, the hum of a computer monitor, and the soft singing of a young woman occupy the air. Another cat lets out its meek meow as it beckons for attention, hoping to find either its mother or the young woman at the computer. The turtle tank gurgles from a distant bedroom, an airplane rumbles by, and another dog barks in the distance.

These are the sounds of the night. Occasionally the house will creak or even pop causing momentary tension amongst the ladies, but for the most part, the night is serene. The blackness outside is kept at bay by the iridescent lights from within. Soon, it will change.

The young lady will grow weary and turn off the computer. Enervation will overcome the older woman. Lights will turn to darkness with a mere flip of a switch. As slumber overtakes the house guests, the noises will obliterate. It is at this time that the cats will remember that they are nocturnal creatures and with an abrupt burst through the house, they will leap onto the fireplace to begin their aeronautics. Mid-flight, an ornament will be procured so that fowl play may begin.

The felines run through the house, batting the ornament to and fro. This is easily accomplished on the wooden floors, as is sliding into walls and each other. With a moan, the woman wakes up and listens. She knows what awaits the night, but is optimistic that merely being awake will settle the cats. Of course, this is only false hope and she will reluctantly drag herself out of bed, a hunter on the prowl. The cats, suddenly feigning innocence, flop onto the floor in a humble position hoping the woman will pet them and head back to bed. She does stoop down to give each cat a rub and a gentle chide, but her mission is not diverted. She will find that ornament.

To the woman’s dismay, the small gray cat has placed herself upon the ornament in every attempt to hide her treasure. With a slight laugh, the woman reaches out and takes the ornament. She glances at the tree, the naked bottom half, stripped of its ornaments and Christmas joy, and knows placing the ornament back on the tree is senseless. She places it in a box instead. Inside that box are the other ornaments gathered throughout the season, treasures of the felines. With this, she turns off the hall light and heads back to her room, stopping to admire the tree once more. She notices that it is leaning to the right, slightly more than the day before, and slightly more than the day before that. If the tree isn’t straightened soon, it will fall over. Knowing this, the woman walks away with a smirk for these are the memories of the 2009 Christmas season.

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During my last doctor’s visit, I was asking my doctor about birth control options. During the past year and a half, I developed severed health complications which result in me never being able to take hormones. Birth control pills work because of the hormones that are in them. Basically, besides the condom and the sponge, my only two options are an IUD or tubal ligation. All of that aside, during the visit and the conversation, I became aware that I will have to endure menopause without the aide of any medication. OMG!

Sure, menopause is another ten years out for me, perhaps more given family history, but have you ever been around a woman going through menopause?  Did I mention, OMG!?!?!  LOL   Luckily for my children, they will be gone by then. My son may still be around, but he’ll be 18 so he will at least have the option of moving away from me. Unless I happen to remarry, that will leave just me. Just me to battle my mood swings and hot flashes.

I know I’m too young to worry about it, but really, menopause without hormones? OMG!!

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I used to know this girl. She was beautiful; dark, dark hair, deep brown eyes, olive colored skin. I was jealous of her beauty until one day I happened to notice stubbly black hair growing on her chin. This surprised me. During the next few days, I watched that beard continue to grow just a little bit more with each day. I’m sure that she was letting it grow just long enough until she could get it waxed, but I began to understand her insecurities on a whole new level.

While most women tend to have their eyebrows and even their upper lip and perhaps their chin waxed, it is not common for women to actually have a full beard. However, upon doing a handy dandy google search, I did discover that it is far more common than I had realized.

For instance, I’m sure you will recognize our first unshaven woman:

hillary_with_beard

Now you’ve got to admit, that’s some funny stuff! In all seriousness, though, being a woman with facial hair is not. Upon my google search I discovered some women who choose to wear their beards. I find this fascinating. Perhaps because it is something that I would not do. Like most women, I have some facial hair here and there that I have waxed. During those in between times, while it is growing in and not quite ready to be waxed, I become very self conscience. I can not imagine what it would be like to actually battle a full beard. I am impressed by these women that are strong enough to let their beards grow. I could never do it.

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My children and I went to visit the family. We had a family BBQ so that “everyone (could) see (me)”.

Both of my grandmothers were there. They are approaching 90. My parents were there. They are well into their 60s. One set of aunt/uncle were there whom I am guessing are in their 50s. My brother who is very loud and we have nothing in common was also there with his 3 children who are considerably younger than my 2.

It turns out that my parents told my grandma not to invite a lot of family because I don’t want all of the noise. So instead, they recommended that grandma invite my aunt/uncle that I haven’t seen in about 20 years. However, my parents have since become re-aquatinted with them. Who was that BBQ for?

I later told my mom that I feel out of place at those gatherings. Her response?

C, you need to just jump in and join the conversation.

My mom and aunt were talking about sewing machines and quilting. I don’t sew.

My brother and uncle were talking about Spike TV. I don’t have television.

My grandmas were talking about some old cat named Jake and bad drivers. Although I don’t know anything about Jake, I do know about bad drivers and my one grandma who is going blind qualifies as a bad driver, yet she doesn’t think so and continues to drive. Probably not a good idea to insert my opinion on that topic.

So Mom, which conversation should I just jump into?

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YOU might be a school employee if you believe the playground should be
equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.

YOU might be a school employee if you want to  slap the next person who says,
‘Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and  have summers off.

YOU might be a school employee if it is difficult to name your own child
because there’s no name you can come up with that doesn’t bring high blood
pressure as it is uttered.

YOU might be a school employee if you can tell it’s a full moon or if it
going to rain, snow, hail….anything!!!  Without ever looking outside.

YOU might be a school employee if you believe ‘shallow gene pool’ should
have its own  box on a report card.

YOU might be a school employee if  you believe that unspeakable evils will
befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”

YOU might be a school employee if when out in public, you feel the urge to
snap  your fingers at children you do not know and correct their  behavior.

YOU might be a school employee if you have no social life between August and
June.

YOU might be a  school employee if you think people should have a government
permit before being allowed to reproduce.

YOU might be a school employee if you wonder how some parents MANAGED to
reproduce.

YOU might be a school employee if you laugh uncontrollably when people refer
to the staff room as the  ‘lounge.’

YOU might be a school employee if you encourage an obnoxious parent to check
into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-HAUL
boxes should they decided to move out of district.

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We went out for Chinese tonight. My fortune read:

“Make those special talents you have work like a charm.”

I think it’s best to leave that one alone.

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piggy

She died. I knew I would be sad the day that it happened. I relied on her. I could tell just by looking at her that she was feeling old, getting tired. I knew that one day I would approach her and she simply would not respond. Today was that today. On my birthday, of all days, she has passed on. 

I was on the phone with my mother when I discovered it. I was calm. My mom had no idea what was happening. I turned on the water and flipped the switch. I heard a gentle hum, but not the usual triumph and swirl. I got down on my hands and knees. I looked underneath her for that magical reset button. It took me a little bit to find it, but I finally did. I pushed the little orange button several times and tried the switch one last time. Alas, the same gentle hum was the only life I could detect. Defeated, I shared the news with my mom.

She suggested that I put a stick into her and rotate the blades. I tried, and again, no luck. Just for the sake of it, I also tried the reset button a few more times. I tried pressing and holding. I tried pressing and pressing and pressing some more. Nothing worked. We checked the fuse box just to be safe. I am feeling confident that her time has come and for my birthday, I will be purchasing myself a new garbage disposal.

garbage-disposalLet the fun begin! I did some quick internet research and discovered that all garbage disposals are essentially made by one of four companies. The Insinkerator seems to be the most common. The main differences are based on horse power. Tomorrow, I will try to get her to start one more time before beginning my search for a replacement. Afterwards, I will then have to decide whether I will install it myself or call Keith, my dependable and affordable handiman. 

Happy Birthday to ME!!!! Every gal wants a garbage disposal for her birthday, even if it is a day late.

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