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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

As the new year begins, many of us find ourselves reflecting on the past year. I’m not one to make new year’s resolutions, but I am one to reflect. 2009 was a hard year and I am optimistic that 2010 will be much better. I struggled with depression last year in degrees that I have not dealt with since I left my physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive marriage in 2000. I saw myself as worthless and wondered why, instead of being the “miracle” that survived my health, I didn’t just die. I felt that my children didn’t really need me, nor did my job, nor anyone nor anything for that matter. I am not writing in hopes of getting your sympathy, I don’t want it. My life is what it is, the past, the present the future. I strongly believe that all things happen for a reason although we often do not know what that reason is. I write because writing is healing and I am healing.

I could tell you of all of the ups and downs of the past year, the trials, the tribulations, but in the end, it does not matter. What matters is that we survived it. I found myself feeling thankful during this Christmas season. Money is tight, I have hospital bills that I can not pay, collectors calling, most of the gifts that I gave this year were used and did not cost me anything, yet they looked new and my son did not know the difference. I have a home, I have heat, I have a steady job, and I have family and friends that have blessed me. One of these days, I might be able to fully trust those in my life and lean on them as I once did. I wonder why it is that once trust has been broken, it is so hard to re-establish. I am hard pressed to name two people in my life that I fully trust and I find that to be a sad thing. There is no reason for me not to trust others in my life, they have done nothing to cause the lack of trust that I suffer from and I know that, yet I still am unable to trust them. I wait for the day that they will sabotage our friendship and I know this is a pathetic truth. I also know why my trust issues run so deep and where they stem from. Perhaps that is a good thing, but sadly, it makes no difference.

My motto in life has become, “Fake it until you make it.” I’ve told a few people this and they look at me with a puzzled, quizzical smile upon their face. I don’t think they know whether or I am jesting or being genuine. I am genuine. I find that I have “faked” it through most of my life. I’ve put on that mask to disguise the real me. The mask that smiles, is optimistic and generally finds the good in things. The real me is cynical, doubtful, and constantly waiting for the bad to happen. I do love to smile, laugh and joke around, so one of these days I hope that the “fake it me” becomes the real me. I guess she’s in there under all of the baggage.

I did not mean for this post to be a negative one, just a reflective one. If you have made it this far, thanks for “listening”. Here’s to a year of healing!

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The Dating World

As many people know, dating in your mid to late 30s on up is a whole different ball game. Add in there divorce and children, and the dynamics change that much more. In my dating escapades, I tend to meet men who are looking to get married and they want children. Their reasoning for the children is usually one of two: either they screwed it up so badly the first time that they want to see what it’s like to be an involved father or; they have never had children and they want to. 

My dating philosophy is nothing like this. I have a 15 year old and an 8 year old. I am done having children. I first married at 18 years old and as such, I have never had any “me” time. I am looking forward to the time when my children are raised and I can enjoy life for myself. Selfish, but true. 

Secondly, I am not looking to get married. Ultimately, it would probably be nice, but it isn’t what I am looking for. I simply want a relationship. I want to find a man that I enjoy being with, we are in a monogamous relationship, but he has his life and I have mine. When things line up, we are together, but when they don’t, we are fine with that, too. He has his home, I have mine. Surprisingly, this has proven very difficult to find. 

One such relationship ended about two years ago and not on very good terms. Although we had only been dating for a few months, he was looking to get married yet couldn’t admit it. He was hinting at having me clean his house and was trying to come over to my home on a daily basis for me to cook for him. This was not and is not what I want. I already have children, I am not looking to take care of anyone else. It needs to be a two way street. Anyway, that finally put an end to the relationship and it ended pretty sourly. It wasn’t ugly and we didn’t fight, but he definitely knew where I stood. 

Within a few weeks, he was proclaiming that he had “met the love of (his) life” and that they were “planning (their) lives together”. Yay. More power to them and proof that I was right. Anyway, as things would have it, he is now doing business with a colleague. My paths don’t cross with this person often and I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t even know her name and furthermore, I don’t remember his last name. Yet, upon discovering that we work together, he asked her to tell me hi. I am so puzzled by this. Truth be told, if the tables were turned, I would have never brought him up to her. 

From the sounds of it, not only did he marry the “love of his life,” he has also divorced her. Within two years of dating me, breaking up, finding the love of his life, and marrying her, he has also managed to divorce her. “Wow” is the only word that manages to escape me. How do I manage to find these men?

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