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Posts Tagged ‘random’

Trust is a funny thing. I don’t know about other countries, but here in America where divorce rates are high and break up rates are even higher, many people will openly state that they have “trust issues”. Simply stated, they find it hard to trust people. Typically when one states that they have trust issues, they are referring to their lack of trust in the opposite sex. However, this isn’t always the case. Some people have over all trust issues in that it is hard for them to trust anyone.

I certainly fall into this last category. Through my life circumstances, I find it difficult to trust anyone. Ironically, I mentioned my lack of trust in my former article, Moving On. I have had some great things happen lately by the goodness of others and it was really starting to help me re-establish my trust in human kind. Then, just a few days later, the trust is broken once again. Among other things, I caught a close friend in a pretty substantial lie. She hasn’t spoken to me since I confronted her about it which simply makes me shake my head that much more.

I have been contemplating as to why it is that we lie to each other and I can not come up with an answer that justifies the lie. In the above mentioned circumstance, I know that my friend lied to me in order to not hurt my feelings. Truthfully, my feelings would not have been hurt if she had come out and told me the truth. I am puzzled as to why she felt that she needed to lie instead of just be honest. Is this an American culture or a human trait?  Why do we feel the need to lie to each other instead of just being honest and telling it like it is? It is possible to tell the truth using tact, isn’t it?

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The over-sized black dog is curled up in the corner, gently snoring on her fluffy, white bed while a black calico cat rests on the tattered quilt at the feet of the woman of the house. The gentle squeak of a computer chair is heard from the living room, the tap, tap of the ever busy keyboard, the hum of a computer monitor, and the soft singing of a young woman occupy the air. Another cat lets out its meek meow as it beckons for attention, hoping to find either its mother or the young woman at the computer. The turtle tank gurgles from a distant bedroom, an airplane rumbles by, and another dog barks in the distance.

These are the sounds of the night. Occasionally the house will creak or even pop causing momentary tension amongst the ladies, but for the most part, the night is serene. The blackness outside is kept at bay by the iridescent lights from within. Soon, it will change.

The young lady will grow weary and turn off the computer. Enervation will overcome the older woman. Lights will turn to darkness with a mere flip of a switch. As slumber overtakes the house guests, the noises will obliterate. It is at this time that the cats will remember that they are nocturnal creatures and with an abrupt burst through the house, they will leap onto the fireplace to begin their aeronautics. Mid-flight, an ornament will be procured so that fowl play may begin.

The felines run through the house, batting the ornament to and fro. This is easily accomplished on the wooden floors, as is sliding into walls and each other. With a moan, the woman wakes up and listens. She knows what awaits the night, but is optimistic that merely being awake will settle the cats. Of course, this is only false hope and she will reluctantly drag herself out of bed, a hunter on the prowl. The cats, suddenly feigning innocence, flop onto the floor in a humble position hoping the woman will pet them and head back to bed. She does stoop down to give each cat a rub and a gentle chide, but her mission is not diverted. She will find that ornament.

To the woman’s dismay, the small gray cat has placed herself upon the ornament in every attempt to hide her treasure. With a slight laugh, the woman reaches out and takes the ornament. She glances at the tree, the naked bottom half, stripped of its ornaments and Christmas joy, and knows placing the ornament back on the tree is senseless. She places it in a box instead. Inside that box are the other ornaments gathered throughout the season, treasures of the felines. With this, she turns off the hall light and heads back to her room, stopping to admire the tree once more. She notices that it is leaning to the right, slightly more than the day before, and slightly more than the day before that. If the tree isn’t straightened soon, it will fall over. Knowing this, the woman walks away with a smirk for these are the memories of the 2009 Christmas season.

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Ultimately, isn’t this what we are all looking for? That incredible relationship where we are so in love that we can not imagine our lives without that special someone? I know I am looking for it, but the difference is that I have once felt this in love. Like many, my love ended in a divorce. We were married young – 18 and 19 years old. We had been married for four years and had a baby. Something was going on with him and I can only guess as to what, but the reality is that one day, I came home to discover his things packed and he was standing before me zipping up his coat. This was goodbye to the life that I knew.

That happened fifteen years ago. Given the time, many would assume that I am bitter, but I am not. In fact, he and I are now very good friends. Although we don’t see each other often, we give genuine hugs when we do and inquire about each other and each other’s families. We have a child together and will forever be a part of each other’s lives.

During the past fifteen years, I have focussed on me. I have gone back to school and received my bachelor’s degree, I returned again and received my master’s degree, I have a career, I have purchased my first home, I have made two major moves, and most importantly, I have discovered who I am. I have my own hopes and dreams these days and I am perfectly content in being me. This is a lesson that I wish I could share with all women.

I was raised that women should be at home raising their children and supporting their husbands. Within that belief system, I put my life on hold so that I could take care of my husband and support him in his dreams – all while burying my own. I thought I was nothing without a man. Oh how wrong I was.

I am not a feminist or an advocate for being single, I just know that I am not willing to settle. I want the man that is best for me, or no man at all. Many people search for that special someone that will complete them. I am already a complete person. I am looking for that special man that will compliment me, and I will compliment him. I hope to find him one of these days, but if not, I will enjoy this life of mine. Being single does not mean being lonely. I do not understand why so many people think that way. Perhaps they are simply afraid to discover who they really are.

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There are many signs that stamp one’s daughter as a young woman – the first bra, the first date, the first boyfriend, makeup, shaving her legs. The list is endless, but perhaps the most significant is when she is on the pill. This is a hard time for the parents in so many ways.

I have never been a parent that is afraid or hesitant to talk to my children about anything. We have very open dialogues about vast subjects. Sex and drugs have always been two primary topics. I am still old fashioned in my beliefs about sex. I do not believe that teens should be having sex. I don’t feel that they are emotionally ready for this endeavor. Many teens enter sex for one of two reasons: their hormones are raging and they lose control, or they are looking for love and hoping to find it through sex.

Our sex conversations have always been on the lines of, “You know I don’t want you having sex (various reasons given), but inevitably, the choice is yours. You will find yourself in a situation where you will make the choice. Before you get there, it is far more important to me that you are protected so come to me and we will get you on the pill.”  Of course, there’s also the talk of needing to use condoms to prevent STDs, but being on the pill has been a huge one. If and when she becomes sexually active, I want her taken care of. A teen pregnancy will end her dreams.

My daughter has not decided to become sexually active at this point. For this, I am thankful. However, her hormones are simply out of control during her menstrual cycle. During her most recent flare up, she was sure that I absolutely hate her and brought me a large knife while suggesting that since I hate her so much, I should just kill her now. Yikes. These actions have made it apparent that it is time to put her on the pill.

This scares me. She has a boyfriend and I hope that this won’t be the key that tells them that it is ok to have sex. She has shared with me that they have talked about sex and both want to wait, but the day will come when the decision will be made. I guess it is a good thing that she is on the pill, but it is very hard to watch my daughter become such a young woman.

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During my last doctor’s visit, I was asking my doctor about birth control options. During the past year and a half, I developed severed health complications which result in me never being able to take hormones. Birth control pills work because of the hormones that are in them. Basically, besides the condom and the sponge, my only two options are an IUD or tubal ligation. All of that aside, during the visit and the conversation, I became aware that I will have to endure menopause without the aide of any medication. OMG!

Sure, menopause is another ten years out for me, perhaps more given family history, but have you ever been around a woman going through menopause?  Did I mention, OMG!?!?!  LOL   Luckily for my children, they will be gone by then. My son may still be around, but he’ll be 18 so he will at least have the option of moving away from me. Unless I happen to remarry, that will leave just me. Just me to battle my mood swings and hot flashes.

I know I’m too young to worry about it, but really, menopause without hormones? OMG!!

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I used to know this girl. She was beautiful; dark, dark hair, deep brown eyes, olive colored skin. I was jealous of her beauty until one day I happened to notice stubbly black hair growing on her chin. This surprised me. During the next few days, I watched that beard continue to grow just a little bit more with each day. I’m sure that she was letting it grow just long enough until she could get it waxed, but I began to understand her insecurities on a whole new level.

While most women tend to have their eyebrows and even their upper lip and perhaps their chin waxed, it is not common for women to actually have a full beard. However, upon doing a handy dandy google search, I did discover that it is far more common than I had realized.

For instance, I’m sure you will recognize our first unshaven woman:

hillary_with_beard

Now you’ve got to admit, that’s some funny stuff! In all seriousness, though, being a woman with facial hair is not. Upon my google search I discovered some women who choose to wear their beards. I find this fascinating. Perhaps because it is something that I would not do. Like most women, I have some facial hair here and there that I have waxed. During those in between times, while it is growing in and not quite ready to be waxed, I become very self conscience. I can not imagine what it would be like to actually battle a full beard. I am impressed by these women that are strong enough to let their beards grow. I could never do it.

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***WARNING – This is not a well written piece. The title should have been your first clue.   🙂

I am a firm believer in fate. I believe that if things are meant to be, they will be. I am at a point in my life in which I am waiting to see what fate is offering me. I am puzzled by it, enthused by it, excited by it. I am also terrible at waiting.

About two years ago, someone walked into my life as an acquaintance. I have never had the opportunity to get to know him due to circumstances. We had a professional relationship that really would have been awkward to breech. That relationship has since ended and circumstances put him into my life on a personal level. After having a secret crush on him for two years, we are now in the very beginning stages of dating. I hate this stage. The waiting, the not knowing, the wondering.

I have found that dating at this stage in my life is a completely different game. Well, of course it is since I was first married at 18. In adult dating, we seem to cut to the chase quicker, even breaking the “rules” of dating in many cases. We establish whether or not we want children, if we have any plans to move or are in the area for the long haul, and religious beliefs early on. We look at our list of things that are unacceptable and if the man or woman meets any of those criteria, we are quick to cross them off and move on. We have a firmer grip of who we are and what we are looking for in a relationship.

Some couples play the field more and date several people. I haven’t found this to be true for myself nor for the men that I have dated. I know at least one continued to play the field while we were together, and that was fine. I knew we weren’t in it for the long haul and it was fun while it lasted. One man told me that one woman is enough and he can’t handle trying to balance/date more than one woman at a time. I think that statement sums it up for most of us that are looking for that lasting relationship.

I find myself questioning things, not sure what to do. My gut tells me that I should do something, and I seem to have to ask someone else for their opinion just to confirm my thoughts. The reality is that I have waited for two years to get to know this man, never expecting to. We are clicking on all levels so far and I am wondering if possibly, just possibly, this could be fate…or is it just a woman looking and hoping to be in a relationship?

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