Posted in random, tagged Americans, cultures, distrust, divorce, friendships, honesty, intergrity, lies, life, random, trust on January 2, 2010|
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Trust is a funny thing. I don’t know about other countries, but here in America where divorce rates are high and break up rates are even higher, many people will openly state that they have “trust issues”. Simply stated, they find it hard to trust people. Typically when one states that they have trust issues, they are referring to their lack of trust in the opposite sex. However, this isn’t always the case. Some people have over all trust issues in that it is hard for them to trust anyone.
I certainly fall into this last category. Through my life circumstances, I find it difficult to trust anyone. Ironically, I mentioned my lack of trust in my former article, Moving On. I have had some great things happen lately by the goodness of others and it was really starting to help me re-establish my trust in human kind. Then, just a few days later, the trust is broken once again. Among other things, I caught a close friend in a pretty substantial lie. She hasn’t spoken to me since I confronted her about it which simply makes me shake my head that much more.
I have been contemplating as to why it is that we lie to each other and I can not come up with an answer that justifies the lie. In the above mentioned circumstance, I know that my friend lied to me in order to not hurt my feelings. Truthfully, my feelings would not have been hurt if she had come out and told me the truth. I am puzzled as to why she felt that she needed to lie instead of just be honest. Is this an American culture or a human trait? Why do we feel the need to lie to each other instead of just being honest and telling it like it is? It is possible to tell the truth using tact, isn’t it?
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Posted in random, tagged Christmas, dating, depression, divorce, friendship, healing, health, hope, life, living, marriage, New Year, parenting, realtionships, resolutions, trust, work on December 26, 2009|
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As the new year begins, many of us find ourselves reflecting on the past year. I’m not one to make new year’s resolutions, but I am one to reflect. 2009 was a hard year and I am optimistic that 2010 will be much better. I struggled with depression last year in degrees that I have not dealt with since I left my physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive marriage in 2000. I saw myself as worthless and wondered why, instead of being the “miracle” that survived my health, I didn’t just die. I felt that my children didn’t really need me, nor did my job, nor anyone nor anything for that matter. I am not writing in hopes of getting your sympathy, I don’t want it. My life is what it is, the past, the present the future. I strongly believe that all things happen for a reason although we often do not know what that reason is. I write because writing is healing and I am healing.
I could tell you of all of the ups and downs of the past year, the trials, the tribulations, but in the end, it does not matter. What matters is that we survived it. I found myself feeling thankful during this Christmas season. Money is tight, I have hospital bills that I can not pay, collectors calling, most of the gifts that I gave this year were used and did not cost me anything, yet they looked new and my son did not know the difference. I have a home, I have heat, I have a steady job, and I have family and friends that have blessed me. One of these days, I might be able to fully trust those in my life and lean on them as I once did. I wonder why it is that once trust has been broken, it is so hard to re-establish. I am hard pressed to name two people in my life that I fully trust and I find that to be a sad thing. There is no reason for me not to trust others in my life, they have done nothing to cause the lack of trust that I suffer from and I know that, yet I still am unable to trust them. I wait for the day that they will sabotage our friendship and I know this is a pathetic truth. I also know why my trust issues run so deep and where they stem from. Perhaps that is a good thing, but sadly, it makes no difference.
My motto in life has become, “Fake it until you make it.” I’ve told a few people this and they look at me with a puzzled, quizzical smile upon their face. I don’t think they know whether or I am jesting or being genuine. I am genuine. I find that I have “faked” it through most of my life. I’ve put on that mask to disguise the real me. The mask that smiles, is optimistic and generally finds the good in things. The real me is cynical, doubtful, and constantly waiting for the bad to happen. I do love to smile, laugh and joke around, so one of these days I hope that the “fake it me” becomes the real me. I guess she’s in there under all of the baggage.
I did not mean for this post to be a negative one, just a reflective one. If you have made it this far, thanks for “listening”. Here’s to a year of healing!
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