Posted in random, tagged Christmas, dating, depression, divorce, friendship, healing, health, hope, life, living, marriage, New Year, parenting, realtionships, resolutions, trust, work on December 26, 2009|
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As the new year begins, many of us find ourselves reflecting on the past year. I’m not one to make new year’s resolutions, but I am one to reflect. 2009 was a hard year and I am optimistic that 2010 will be much better. I struggled with depression last year in degrees that I have not dealt with since I left my physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive marriage in 2000. I saw myself as worthless and wondered why, instead of being the “miracle” that survived my health, I didn’t just die. I felt that my children didn’t really need me, nor did my job, nor anyone nor anything for that matter. I am not writing in hopes of getting your sympathy, I don’t want it. My life is what it is, the past, the present the future. I strongly believe that all things happen for a reason although we often do not know what that reason is. I write because writing is healing and I am healing.
I could tell you of all of the ups and downs of the past year, the trials, the tribulations, but in the end, it does not matter. What matters is that we survived it. I found myself feeling thankful during this Christmas season. Money is tight, I have hospital bills that I can not pay, collectors calling, most of the gifts that I gave this year were used and did not cost me anything, yet they looked new and my son did not know the difference. I have a home, I have heat, I have a steady job, and I have family and friends that have blessed me. One of these days, I might be able to fully trust those in my life and lean on them as I once did. I wonder why it is that once trust has been broken, it is so hard to re-establish. I am hard pressed to name two people in my life that I fully trust and I find that to be a sad thing. There is no reason for me not to trust others in my life, they have done nothing to cause the lack of trust that I suffer from and I know that, yet I still am unable to trust them. I wait for the day that they will sabotage our friendship and I know this is a pathetic truth. I also know why my trust issues run so deep and where they stem from. Perhaps that is a good thing, but sadly, it makes no difference.
My motto in life has become, “Fake it until you make it.” I’ve told a few people this and they look at me with a puzzled, quizzical smile upon their face. I don’t think they know whether or I am jesting or being genuine. I am genuine. I find that I have “faked” it through most of my life. I’ve put on that mask to disguise the real me. The mask that smiles, is optimistic and generally finds the good in things. The real me is cynical, doubtful, and constantly waiting for the bad to happen. I do love to smile, laugh and joke around, so one of these days I hope that the “fake it me” becomes the real me. I guess she’s in there under all of the baggage.
I did not mean for this post to be a negative one, just a reflective one. If you have made it this far, thanks for “listening”. Here’s to a year of healing!
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Posted in random, tagged Bad Businesses, Businesses, Clearwire, Customer care, Internet, Internet companies, Internet connection, ISP, life, random, school, work on May 21, 2009|
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I can not stand this company and would not use them again. Their connection speeds are lower than promised, you are locked into a 1 to 2 year contract, trying to find out billing information is a joke (I think they try to make it so you can’t cancel your account because you can’t find out if you are still locked into your contract or not!), they call all the time trying to get you to upgrade or sign up for more services, the connection resets and you have to restart the internet on a regular basis…
I”m sure I could come up with more reasons why I don’t like Clearwire, but that’s enough. I really can’t stand them and I don’t know of anyone in my area that is happy with them. Actually, I don’t know of anyone that is happy with them, period. Stay away from this company if at all possible.
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Posted in life, tagged baby, drool, family, humor, infant, kids, life, meeting, parenting, power outlet, random, work on February 17, 2009|
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I sat in the “family meeting” watching Baby play on the hard tile floor. He was as cute as could be, entertained with the metal flap that covered the power outlet.
He’d pull it up and let it flop down, a string of drool hanging from his chin forever reaching into the depths of the outlet. Electricity like an eel snakes forth, lunging at the drool. Cute, innocent Baby is lifted into the air, precariously balanced on the ominous procession of spittle. Blond tufts making a standoff appearance.
The room falls silent as Mom screams, the rest of us staring in wonder. Soon, the eel grows tired and relinquishes its hold. Baby plops to the floor where he continues to play.
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I face this week with dread. It will be a long one. As I sit here still in my pajamas, sipping my coffee, watching Juno with the kids and listening to the crackling of the fire, I am burdened with all that this week entails and thankful for one last day off before I have to face everything.
Without going too much into detail, I am in a position in which I will be confronting a person and basically ending her career before it has even started. As a person, I like her. I have gotten to know her fairly well and see her burdened with the struggles in her own life. Although I do not understand the depth of her problems, nor can I comprehend why she struggles so greatly, the reality is that it has affected her performance, or more accurately, her lack of performance. After 5 months, I have seen no progress despite many conversations in which she was clearly told that she needs to step things up. She is more than 2 weeks late on a major project and she can not go on until this project is done. Time is of the essence, yet it continues to grow later and later until basically, she has ran out of time. This week, I will officially put my name on a piece of paper stating that she simply can not continue in the program. I can not begin to express the magnitude of emotions that this is causing me. I sincerely hate being in this position, yet I must get used to it as this is my career path.
There is more going on this week, but that is the brunt of it. The rest is really simply secondary job requirements which are above and beyond normal this week resulting in some long days. I dread these mostly because longer work days means less time with my children. Less time with children means that my oldest is stuck at home baby sitting which means that I come home to fighting and a clingy son. Like all mothers, I wish that my children would get along all of the time, not just sometimes.
For now, I will enjoy the laziness of this day, wait for the movie to end, finish my coffee and finally hop in the shower. Sometime today, I do need to get busy cleaning, but I am in no hurry to do that. lol Luckily, I mainly just have to do the floors so in all reality, it won’t take more than an hour or two. I still have time left to enjoy this day.
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Posted in cats, dogs, life, Pets, random, teachers, teaching, tagged cats, cold, dogs, frogs, legislation, life, Pets, random, snake, tattoo, teachers, teaching, turtle, walmart, work on January 13, 2009|
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Randomness is my topic tonight.
- My 95 pound lab/rottweiller mix of a dog is not allowed on my bed. However, while I am gone, she claims it as hers. While I don’t like this, it is nice when I am freezing cold to crawl into my already warm bed. Thank you, Gabby, for warming it for me. Now, GET DOWN!!! Actually, I don’t have to tell her to get down. She is down before I even come through the door.
- I am sick and tired of my classroom being freezing cold. Here’s the deal. If it is going to be cold, it really should be cold enough that we can have a snow day. If the weather is not going to cooperate, then bring on spring already!
- I am sick of people making up excuses for why they can’t make deadlines and meet expectations and expecting me to pick up the pieces. Ok, this really only applies to one person, but I am not going to go there.
- I want it to be summer break.
- I freak out when rubberbands are aimed at me. They can be incredibly painful, people!
- Walmart attracts really odd people of all sorts which leaves me to ponder why I almost always run into students while at Walmart. What does that say about my students and the school that I teach at? Heck, what does it say about me?
- How does anyone end up with a huge dog, 4 cats, a snake, a turtle and dwarf frogs and how long until the aforementioned population dwindles?
- Why are teachers the worst students on earth?
- Why are high school girls so moody?
- I think I need a date. I need to finish this class and then, maybe, I can devote some energy to dating again. Maybe?
- If colors are caused by reflections of light on molecules, does color cease to exist if there is no light to reflect on the molecules?
- Why are comfortable clothes so butt-ugly?
- Why are YOU still reading this boring blog?
- Will you please comment me? I need some traffic. LOL
- I want to move to a small town in which I only work 4 days a week and have a much smaller classroom size. I think the pay cut would be worth it. 33 students is far too many.
- When will Oregon realize that teachers can not teach once their classroom sizes reach a certain point?
- Does legislation really expect me to meet the needs of all 33 kids in my classroom when my lowest level student tests at the first grade level and my highest tests at 12.9+? How? How do they expect me to do that?
- Why does anyone think that I can get my job done in 40 hours a week? Can you please tell me know to do this?
- Again, why are you still reading this?
- My cats are named Grace, Star, Molly and Karma. Grace is old and has kidney failure. She is amazingly healthy all things considered. Normally, once diagnosed, cats die within two years. She’s made it 2 1/2 and is still ticking. Not bad.
- Anything else you want to know? Did I share too much? Yeah, I know I did. Oh well. Is anyone still reading this?
- How come when others share their random information it is so much more interesting?
- Why do humans wait as long as they possibly can before they finally get off of their lazy rear and go to the bathroom?
- Want to see my tattoo?
- OH! Why won’t my picture show? I have uploaded it twice now and it tells me that it will start showing my picture, but it never does. Why not? Why does the internet lie to me?
- How much will you pay me to go away? Damnit. Quit reading this then!
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